From Burned to Belonging: Reclaiming Wholeness after Life’s Heartaches Through Christocentric Community

The Bunsen Burner Incident

I set myself on fire in tenth grade chemistry class. While the rest of the class took a test, I was in an adjacent room finishing a lab. I accidentally placed my elbow over a lit bunsen burner.  

Funny enough, no one witnessed it but me. I also had no evidence. Since I was wearing a thick 90's button-up sweater, no burns appeared on my arm. Oddly, no charring showed on the sweater either. 

If you’ve ever been wounded by a community, especially one in the Christian sphere, the pain is a bit like my unfortunate blue flame incident. It happens, but the scars are not exactly visible. In fact, many times they are unseeable, almost indescribable.

In places that should be safe, welcoming, and healing, we wonder: how could such pain possibly happen? 

During the years of my church hurt, I volunteered in the church food pantry, led table discussions at newcomers' events, attended women's Bible study…and still, I could not seem to get beyond surface level with people. It was excruciating.

I kept attending (because that’s how a minister’s daughter like me coped) and continued showing up to every single event. Yet I felt invisible and even dismissed. 

Christian community had been my refuge my whole life, 30+ years, until it wasn't. Until I felt like a stranger in a sea of people who seemed hip, put together, and friends with everyone but me. 

Honestly, I was in a pretty needy place during those years. I was crying out for deep relationships and couldn’t seem to find them anywhere. 

The problem wasn't just one church or one community. I was a fair amount of the problem too. Now I see how several factors led to a deep-seated insecurity magnified in the vulnerability of community environments. 

Have you ever felt on the outside of a Christian community---whether that’s a church situation, a study group, a school, a work situation, or somewhere else?

Healing community hurt is a process

Pain of many types prevents us from entering into community spaces. 

Although I’m an extrovert, after the pandemic, I panicked whenever I was in a large gathering of people. I froze and wondered, “how do I interact without offending people's personal boundaries?” It brought me to tears more than once.

Let’s talk about church hurt again for a second, because it’s a big issue. A 2010 article released by Barna covering Christians hurt by the church showed 4 out of 10 non-churchgoers don't attend church because of negative church experiences or bad experiences with church goers (and that's 14-year old research at the time I write this). Interestingly, a large percentage of those non-churchgoers still confessed Jesus as Lord. 

Here's the jolt: even if we stay in Christian community, like I did, healing can take years.

Sadly, that feeling of not belonging still runs deep in my veins. However, the feeling also developed into a blue hot flame like the one that once burned my arm. It now fires in my soul every day. It’s why I’m so passionate about the cruciality of community.

We are vulnerable in community spaces. According to Dietrich Bonhoeffer, confession and being a listening presence are the keys to a healthy Christian community. “In the presence of a psychiatrist I can only be a sick man; in the presence of a Christian brother I can dare to be a sinner.”

― Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community

Healing also takes forgiveness, of others and self.

Community is a tender topic. Julia Cameron entreats writers getting back into the habit with the phrase, ”Easy does it” (The Sound of Paper). I have applied this advice to my writing as well as to reentering community. “Easy does it, but do it” [emphasis added].

We confess, forgive, and lean on the Holy Spirit to do better. That is the risk of any community composed of imperfect, fumbling humans. 

How to do healthy community

Restoration is possible

How did I find restoration in Christian community? Through a separate ecumenical organization devoted to Christian renewal, I was part of a hybrid mixed small group of ministry leaders. Many of us had wounds or questions about what comprises healthy Christian practice, especially with one another. 

I remember entering that group with real trepidation. But tenderly, these individuals saw me. “How are you really?” they asked. 

Seeing beyond my well-built facades, they reminded me God loved me without exception, they havened me during crises, and they held my hand (virtually and physically). Basically, they were Jesus.

Have these people let me down? Sure. They have and they will. Have I let them down? You bet. We confess, forgive, and lean on the Holy Spirit to do better. That is the risk of any community composed of imperfect, fumbling humans. 

Do I see these people on a regular basis? Once a year, at best.

I’m sure I had less than ideal expectations of community during those tender years. As Bonhoeffer writes, “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” ― Bonhoeffer, Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community

Truthfully, I am still tempted to duck into a corner at Christian gatherings sometimes. But I also know the supernatural power of a confessing, listening, and present community that held me in some of my most vulnerable moments.

I’ll never forget how several of these dear friends prayed with me: they held my hand and bowed prostrate on the floor before God with me as I wept over one of my children. Who does that? 

Perhaps those of us who have been burned from invisible wounds know better than most the warmth of a fire lit by the self-giving love of Jesus. 

Easy does it, but do it. 

If you find yourself wondering how to reenter Christian community (and you’re a woman) or know a friend contemplating this, I gently invite you to consider an invite to the Creative and Free Advent study for women.

You can participate online and IRL (in real life) with a friend or two, or three:)

*This post contains affiliate links, which keeps the blood pumping through the veins of my work. Thank you for your support!